A day in the Nymphomania Sex Police Department Traffic Division6:30 AM: I meet my partner, Sgt. Pafe at division headquarters in an old quonset hut located at the far corner of the NSPD yard. She looks tired from doing the laundry. We hang the wash on the line and check our orders for the day. They are the same as every other day. "Watch for Speeders, take reports."7:00 AM: We wheel our cars out from the back shed and perform the routine vehicle inspection. All four wheel spin. Check. Steering mechanism in working order. Check. Pedal mechanism in working order. Check. Vehicle #2 still needs the linkage tightened up. We have had our request into the motor pool for weeks. This means we will have to share Vehicle #1 again. Back into the shed goes #2. Siren inspection. Check. That is still broken also.7:15 AM: We get into the Vehicle #1, I drive. There is only one seat, so she sits on my lap and we begin our patrol.7:30 AM: Car #1 finally clears the NSPD lot and we are among the community traffic on Fellatio St. It is difficult to see around the Sergeant's big boobs, and her elbow is in my neck, but I pedal on until we get to the hill. We get out of the car and push it up the hill. Numerous cars pass by us with only the occasional honk or shout.7:48 AM: At the top of the hill we get back in the car. Again, with me pedaling and Sgt. Pafe on my lap. She's in a different position now, and her right boob is in my face, so I press on it to get it out of the way causing the sergeant to say, "ooooooo". I wish she was louder so I could use her for a siren. Going down hill is an adventure, as the road is full of pot holes and pedal cars have no suspension. The constant bumping and bouncing causes Sgt. Pafe's boobs to come out of her top, and when she scrambles to get them back in, it's all elbows and arms in my way.8:02 AM: Responded to a report of a vehicle stopping at mail boxes along Fellatio St. It was the mailman.8: 32 AM: Responded to a call from a woman on 400 block of Main St. She found her grandson and his girlfriend lying on top of each other, unconscious and naked. It turns out they had used what they though was lubricant from her well stocked medicine cabinet. It was not lubricant, but nitroglycerin paste, a heart drug that can cause a potentially fatal drop in blood pressure. They eventually came to after we gave them oxygen and fluids.9:22 AM: A 21 year-old man reported a battery on Blue Ball St. An unknown suspect threw a used condom at the victim, hitting him in the face.10:01 AM: A vehicle passes us at high speed on Main St. Our siren does not work, so we yell, "HEY YOU!! STOP THAT CAR!!" The vehicle does not stop, and it went by too fast to record the number.10:15 AM: A vehicle passes us at high speed on Main St. We yell, and again the vehicle does not stop.10:35 AM: A citizen reports that he has seen a suspcioius person with several pairs of panties in his hand going across Cabin Ave. Sgt. Pafe informs the citizen that we are in Traffic Division, and he should take his information to a detective.10:47 AM: Responded to a report that someone was on a porch yelling "help" from a residence on Submit St. It was just a person calling a cat that is named. "Help".11:00 AM: A citizen turns himself in for speeding. We inform him that our orders are to "watch" for speeders, NOT apprehend speeders. He offers to pay his penalty so we take payment on the side of the road.11:20 AM: Lower Duck Pond. Responded to a report of two dogs running loose and attacking ducks. We cited a resident for the loose dogs. Penalty paid on the spot. The duck refused medical treatment and left the area.12:00 Noon: Lunch. We have Chinese. Sgt. Pafe orders from column B "Someyoungchick" and I have "Cumdumdumcum" from column C. My fortune cookie reads: "Help. I am a prisoner in a fortune cookie bakery."1:00 PM: A woman in the 1900 block of Northeast St. reported that someone must have stolen her messages, because she did not receive offers of sex from her friends.1:15 PM: A woman in the 100 block of Group Ave., reported that she received a St. Patrick's Day card warning her to "keep her legs closed". 1:31 PM: A woman reported that someone entered her home between 6 P.M. Mar. 18 and 2 P.M. Mar. 19 and replaced the carpet.2:00 PM: Quickie-Mart. Received a report of a newborn infant found in a trash can. Upon investigation, we discovered that it was only a burrito.2:15 PM: We respond to a distressed pussy call and perform emergency CPR (Cunnilingus, Probe, Repeat) until the patient responded. We were thanked for our quick response and expert treatment.3:00 PM: The AChat Sex Learning Center on Handjob Street reported a man across the way standing at his window for hours watching the center, making patrons nervous. We ID'd the subject as a cardboard cutout of Arnold Schwarzenegger.3:19 PM: A 38 year old Hummer Ave. man reported that his home was invaded on Mar. 19. The man said that he was sitting home alone masturbating and watching a pornographic movie when a man came down into the basement, holding a gun, and started to videotape him. The man said that before he left, the intruder fed his dog some mushrooms and the dog went on a psychedelic trip and has not been seen since.3:45 PM: A woman along the 11500 block of Eastern St. reported a dispute with her neighbor/boyfriend who is refusing to bring her casserole.4:00 PM: On Fellatio St. Near Headquarters. A woman reported that on Mar. 18 a personal battery-operated device was stolen from her residence. Some duplicate checks and a lubricant were also stolen.4:30 PM: Back at the Traffic Division Headquarters to make out our reports and do some more laundry.5:00 PM: Off Duty. Shift ends. Going for donuts.Respectfully submitted this day, Tuesday, Mar. 20, 2012Cpl. Satoire, out.
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